So, I’m starting at as an insurance agent through a program that teaches and coaches and helps us through the first few years. In this program, I have a trainer – Jason – who is supposed to support and inspire us and stuff. For the most part, he has been supportive. He gives feedback and seems to actually care about us. I really thought I could do this.
I’ve had a few bad days. I’ve had a few days where I was simply in too much pain to work. For the most part, though, I’ve been a trooper. I’ve put in quite a few 12 hour days. But last Friday, I just didn’t feel like I could do it. So, I texted him to let him know.
He responded:
“Sorry to hear, hope you feel better. Why don’t you spend the weekend thinking about what we can do to [get you some sales] and whether this is the right thing for you at this time.”
I was glad I was at home when I got it, because I broke down crying – and I’m not a crier. I hardly every cry. So, I wrote back, “Do you NOT think I can do this? Are you seriously asking me to consider whether or not to continue?”
The thing is I’ve never failed at anything. Call it luck or strong will or hard work… I don’t know how, but I always manage to come up on top. And now, I think I may be facing failure for the first time… because of a condition no one else can see or feel or even relate to…
I’ve actually had some really terrifying dreams that bring my doubts front and center. I’m in these places – up high and in bad weather, because nothing says nightmare like a rotting bridge over a huge gorge in a storm – and I’m scared. Not your regular ‘oh-crap, who’s-banging-on-my-door!’ scared… but the THIS-CANNOT-BE-HAPPENING scared. In the first dream, I remember thinking, ‘why couldn’t this have happened in a dream?!?’ In the second, I started thinking the same thing, then realized it probably was a dream… so, I am there, standing in this cold rain, so close to falling to my death, screaming, “Wake up, M! Wake up!!!” I scream over and over, but I didn’t wake up. At some point later I must have… but not when I was trying… not when I was pleading with myself to wake up.
Jumping back, after getting his text, I pulled myself together, and, pain or no, I went in. I walked into his office and said, “First and foremost, I am not quitting. Now, can you please look at [insurance stuff] for me?”
He just said, “Ok.”
Ok? Ok? O? K? You just made ME cry! You just riled up all these concerns and all this self-doubt! And you answer is ok? I’ll show you ok, you … you … you … Well, when I think of what you are, it’s gonna burn buster!
It’s Monday. I’ve had the weekend to avoid thinking. I sat through our ‘Motivation Monday Morning Meeting’ and our other coach, Dave – who has been a total brat in other areas – was very considerate and encouraging. Jason, wisely, did not direct any comments my way.
It’s Monday – and even though I’m tired and I have work I could do at home under medication, I am at work because I’m gonna show that… that… yeah, well, HE knows what he is! And I’m gonna show him!
If I don’t fail utterly and completely…